If I Stayed

There are a few people from my life that I miss so badly it makes me want to hide away somewhere so I’d never have to get close to anyone ever again. That way I wouldn’t have to relive the hurt of losing someone.

I don’t mean people who have passed away, those dear to me who have pushed quietly out to sea have been forever engrained on my heart and memory. When someone is permanently and irrevocably gone, it’s life but it’s deeply crushing. Especially if that person was taken from life unexpectedly and you didn’t have the chance to be with them once more.

What I’m talking about are people who were once so close to you that when you were in that bubble with them, it was hard to go back to a time when you weren’t. Now I am. Now I remember why it was so hard to imagine.

It’s so strange to have someone in your life that you are vulnerable around. That certain someone whom you call before everyone else when something happens or think of first when you want to do something. Someone that reciprocates and calls you all the time, even though they know you don’t talk on the phone to anyone else. That person who looks for reasons to be around you just because they like your company.

I saw a movie a year and a half ago called “If I Stay” which was amazing and had me on the edge of my seat one moment and in tears the next. I don’t cry during movies but this one definitely brought out the feels. Similar to me not being scared in movies but Final Destination puts the fear in me, real life situations are easy to relate to.

Over the weekend I was feeling nostalgic and one of those people came to mind. This was my oldest and bestest friend, also ex, who had shut me out of his life around this time last year. Unbeknownst to me, at the very same time, I was shutting out someone else that was a constant over the 2 years prior. Two people I cared a stupid amount for, gone.

If I stayed in Georgia, I would not be dealing with either of these losses. I would have either gotten back with my ex or been close enough that if he shut me out, he could not escape and would have to face me and explain why. I still am left clueless when it comes to the demise of that relationship.

If I stayed, I wouldn’t have met the other person I lost. Sometimes I feel like I would have been better off not knowing what that feeling of having him in my life was like. While we were in the bubble, it would have been difficult to top that experience. The feeling of having someone who was always willing to talk and went out of their way to be around you is the stuff happiness is made of. Realizing I had to let him go was a decision I put off making for too long. No one wants to watch someone so important walk away for the last time.

If I stayed, I would have surely missed out on some wonderful people. I have met some of the best people of my existence since I’ve been in Texas, particularly in the last few years. From work friends to school buddies, these are the highest quality of people I’ve had the pleasure of being around. They mean a lot to me because being around people like that makes me feel the most alive.

If I stayed, I would have missed out on some really great work experience and opportunities. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have been working back home but I feel like I found a very unique opportunity in my career that I very likely would have not fallen into otherwise. I have a level of importance at my job that I do not squander. I was always afraid of what kind of worker I’d be so, living here helped me discover my work ethic. If I wasn’t an island, would I have been so compelled to succeed?

Regardless of how different my life would have been, and the heartbreak I would have avoided, I stayed. No matter how sad I get or lost in sentiment I sometimes find myself, I made the choice to stay. Doing so meant having these wonderful people and positive experiences. It means me adulting. It means looking back on the good memories and be open to making new ones. It means getting involved with people, not knowing how it will turn out and hoping for the best. Not everyone is in it for the long haul, which makes finding those that are even sweeter.

If I stayed, I would have lost out on finding a BFF that I have never argued with that gets me better than anyone. If I stayed, I would have missed having friends who genuinely enjoy my company and allow me to think I’m funny. If I stayed, my family wouldn’t have realized how much value there is in having me around.

While I wish some things were different, and some people wanted me around more than they do, I’m grateful to be here.

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